How do you let go of a loved one?
As I sit here The Aspirations of Samthbadhra fills the space of silence that fills my house. My precious cat, Sophie lays listlessly by the fire. She remains aware but her body is fading. My other cat, Conrad, is wandering around in confusion. My daughter one moment commands Sophie to get better and the next is kissing her to make her feel better.
Sunday should have been a good day. The Seahawks were in the Superbowl; Seattle was on fire. However during the pre-game I found my cat in the closet. Something was wrong with her legs. The doctors said she had a blood clot break off from her heart and travel to her legs. She is paralyzed. She is fading.
People are telling me to put her down. It is the end of her life. I can’t. She isn’t in pain right now. Her body is shutting down. Her bladder is betraying her, but I look at her and see a cat fighting for life. She isn’t suffering, but she is dying. This is something we will all experience. I can’t justify putting her down because I can’t handle watching her go through this. I can’t justify putting her down because taking care of her is inconvenient. Death is a normal part of life. She is giving me a gift right now that I can’t ever thank her for. She is letting me help her die. I’ working with the vet and lamas to ease her into the next part of her existence.
I cry. Mostly I cry out of selfishness. She is only 7. I want more time. In my heart I know death this is the best to ask for her. Since birth she has been riddled with medical problems. Death will be a release from that. But still I cry out of my own attachments to her.